Golpo Guchho

1.  Nayraa “Bra” tolaay jay kobaar?

Jonmodiney jompesh kore bondhuder party diyechhi.Khawa dawar por Gariahat er footpaathey aamra shodol boley ice cream khetey khetey Prinsep Ghat jawar porikolponay metey uthhechi. Election er taagidey University porikhhar date peechheeye diyechey taai ekhon amader aanondo phoorti shoptomey chhorey aachey. Ekdol daamraa-daamri rasstaar opor jaa hoi hoi kaando shuru korechhi, lokey chokh boro boro korey takachhey!!

Hotaath amar ek phaajil bondhu (je paashey daaraley amra boli “mere paas maa hai”)  bole uthlo, “Dekh baam dikey kemon mela boshechhey”. Jothariti aamra baam dikey matha ghuriye dekhlaam bayparkhaana ki. Ek haar gilgiley chheley ekta thela gaaritey haajar dui rong berong er bra er tothaakothito “mela” shorbo shadhaaron er jonno unmochito korechhey. Shonkhaa eto beshi je ekta chhoto maaper paahaar toiri hoyechhey. Mone hochhey oopchey porey footpaath ey shob choriye porbey!! Shonge shonge aar ek bandhobi tipponi kaatlo, “Ei chheletaar kaach thekey eishob ke kintey aashbey?” Amra haashitey phetey porlaam, aar bra salesman ghaabrey giye paharer pechhoney mookh dhaaklo.

Ei ghotonata ghotaar shaathey shaathey ek jhaank paakhir moto urey elo ek smriti-

Tokhon 2005 shaal. Otikoshtey shaahosh shonchoy korey ek shoddo porichito baandhobikey “ask out” korechhilaam. Ek shoptaaho dhorey, “Would you like to have coffee sometime?” ke nana bhaabey bolaar practice kore jokhon maathey nemey final product chhaarlam, tokhon mone holo ei bujhi prestige puncture kore bidaay dilo. Kintu sheshey thaakur mookh phire chaailen…

Er por teen mash ketey gechhey. Coffee date-Lunch Date-Movie Date-Dinner Date- First base- Second Base jaatiyo nanarokom “Date” ebong “firsts” otikrom korey ekhon mone hochhey je “date” thekey baypartaa “girlfriend” porjaay pounchhotey hoyto aar mash khaanek shomoy laagbey. Tokhon ekta stability gochher baypaar aashbey, hoyto eto ghono ghono taaka khoroch kore date ey niye jetey hobe naa. (ahaarey first time aanaari premiker kotoi naa shokh!!!) Ek sheeter robibar shokaal shokaal taar flat ey giye calling bell tiplaam. Semester er porikkha shesh hoyechhey, besh sharadin beru beru korbo shundorir haath dhorey. Dorjaa khulei shey aamay jaaniye dilo je aaj taar room mate baari aachey. Er aagey jokhon din dupurey eshechilaam tokhon kono baarei room mate er dekha meleni ebong taatey besh shubidhei hoyechhilo. Aj key room mate thaakar jonno aamay lobby tey daar koriye diye shey bhetorey chole gelo ready hotey. Aami hayblaar moto daariye aachi. Ochirei  mone holo jeno brohmotaalutey keu shurshuri dichhey. Oporey taakiye dekhi, amar maatha thekey der haath oporey lobbyr ei matha thekey oi matha ekta doritey horek rokom rong berong er meyeder ontorbaash jhulchhey. Tweety Pie thekey Zebra pattern print konotaai baad jaayni! Aayoton dekhey bujhey phellam ei shobe er maalkin holo shei room mate. Taakey dekhaar jonno montaa haloom haloom kore uthlo. Ei hoyto dorshon diye jaaben.

Shukumar Rayr kobitaay Nayraa beltolaay daariye chhilo aami ekhaaney Bra tolaay daariye aachi. Er aagey, lobby tey dori dekhechi kintu taatey jaabotiyo shoronjaam jholaano chhilo na. Ekei sheet taar opor  robibaar. Alshemitey hoyto naamay ni baa hoyto bhaabeni je hulo beral shaat shokaaley dorshon debey.

Dosh minute porey hobu girlfriend ke niye aami beriye gelaam. Taar room mate ke shochokkhey dekhaar aasha choritaartho holo naa…

“Kire eto ki bhaabchhish shukaanter moto?”- aamar phaajil bondhuti khekiye uthlo. Chotka bhengey gelo. “Kichu na” bole muchki heshey GKB opticals er dokaaner dikey paa baralaam…

2.  HULO BERAAL

Bideshi company tey roj 12-13 ghontaa raam thengaani khawaa amar moto bheto bangalir mojjaay aar poshaalo naa. Poripushto gonff er odhikaari Marathi boss amar poschaat deshey baash dewaar taagidey ekodaa toilet ey chepey dhorey bollen, “Tobey re beta!! Kaaj kormo chhairya diya Hyderabadey maaiya maanushder shaathey chat kortaso . Tomar poontki paynk koirya dimu!!!”

Mon Bidroho Korey uthlo. Aami kina  bongo shontan!! Bortomaan rajjo shorkaarer moto festoon shohokaarey “Cholchhey Na-aa, Cholbey Na-aa” monobhaab niye diye dilaam resignation. Doibo kripaay ektaa baangali shulobh chaakrio jutey gelo- lecturership. Shonaay shohagaa- joining paanch mash porey. Taai baarir chheley baari phirey, dilaam gaa eliye. Ekhon kaajer modhhye dui- shudhu khaai aar shui!!

Kintu bidhi baam. Shukhey thaaktey bhootey kiloye. Biyer bajarey amar pita matar kichhu bondhugoner gotaa kotok chhele meye piritey boshechhey. Shekhaaney amakey shoujonner khaatirey teney niye jawa holo. Poripati jama pant, mathay gel, chokhey rimless choshma aar bogoley half botol deo dheley aamio chollam dhei dhei kore bor/bou dorshon kortey. Shekhaaney pounchhey bor/bou dorshon er cheye buffet table dorshon er jonno mon aaku paaku kortey laaglo. Aastey asstey shedikey paa baratey laaglam.

Itimodhhye ek shonda marka kaku ebong taar stree amar poth oborodh kore daaralen. “Dheu” kore mohaashoye jaa ekta dhekur tullen, taar daapotey amay dui paa peechheeye jete holo. Bojha gelo je besh poritripto hoyechhen bhojon kore. Kakimar chokhey bishmoy o koutuhol, “ Arrey Titin, tui eikhaaney??!!” Aamio bollum, “Aggye hain kakimaa”. Bas aar jaai kothay!! Proshnobaaney emon jorjorito holaam je praan oshthaa goto hoye uthlo.

Kaki: Kobe eli??

Kaku: Koto diner jonno??

Kaku: Kon company tey jeno?

Kaki: Delhi tey chaakri dekh naa!!

Bollam, “Chaakri chherey eshechhi”. (Shongey shongey dujonei kopaal koonchkey bhaabtey laaglen-- Chaakri chherechhey naa taariye diyechhey? Aadou ki kono chaakri korchhilo na dhop diyechhey? Teen bochhor kono khobor chhilo na!! Chheley gollaay jay ni to? Amar Tumpa key durey raakhtey hobe. Chooler ki style korechhey. Ekebaare layj kaata Hulo Beraal!!)

Bhodrolok gombhir golaay jiggesh korlen, “Taa ekhon ekhaaney ki koraa hochhey?” Bollam, “Ekta B- school thekey lecturership er offer peyechhi, next semester theke joining.” Ei shuney taader kopaaler konchkaano bhaab kichuta miliye gelo aar haashi phutlo. Taader joggya konya Tumpa eshey amader maajhey jog dilen. Taar shaaj dekhey chokh thikrey beriye ashaar jogaar. Ei ki shei meye je 10^th pass koraar porey amader baari eshey amar IIT-JEE reference boigulo cheyechhilo aar aami question pattern change hoye  gechhey bole bhaagiye diyechhilaam!!

Tumpa debi ookti korlen, “ Hi Titin!! Such a long time!! (Jaah shala, Titin dada thekey shojaa naam dhorey daaka! Besh hoyechhey. Jemon kormo temni phol. Aaro bhaagao baari thekey. Motaa ugly duckling 4 bochhorer mathay yoga toned bombshell ey porinoto hoyechhey aar tomay layjey khelaachhey!!)  Oti koshtey taar oonnoto bokkhodesh eriye taar chokhey chokh rekhey kotha boltey laagloom. Jokhon kakima dekhlen je amaader kotha maal gaarir bogeyr moto shesh hotei chaay na, tokhon naa paartey bollen, “Tumpaa baari chol, kaal babar office aachhey”.

Tumpa number exchange kore bidaay nilo. Amio griho mukho Tumpaa ke ekbar pechhon thekey dekhe niye buffet table dikey ogroshor holaam…

3.  BOKAA BODMAASH

Buffet table er chaar paashey maanob-maanobi der melaa. Haatey plate niye ekta cornerey aami, bhaai, maa aar baba haapush hoopoosh kore pet pujoy mohaa baysto. Babar bondhu (jaar meyer biye) ebong taar stree  ghurey ghurey shobbaikey obbhorthona jaanachhen ebong utkrishto hospitalityr nidorshon dichhen. Kaalokromey amader shaamney eshey haajir holen. Aamay dekhey koutuholi proshno gulo Brett Lee er ball er moto chhutey aashtey laaglo. Amio shookousholey shegulo boundaryr baairey potropaath kore pathalam.

Maakey kakima proshno korlen, “Ki go ebar chhelero biye daao”. (Aami hokchokiye gelaam. Niranobboi run ey ekebaarey clean bowled! Middle stump maathey goragori dichhey. Gola diye khawar naamchhey na!!)

Maa bollo “Chaakri to paka hok, ektu stable hoye neek…” Kakima phoron kaatlen, “Ei to lecturership to peyei gechhey aar ki?” (Babah itimodhhye baypaarta raashtro hoye gechhey dekhhchi. Besh Besh!!)  Aami maajhkhaan thekey tipponi katlaam, “29-30 er aagey biye noye. Stable hoye gaari baari kore taarpor dekha jaabey.” Kaku-Kakima emon ekta mookh kore chole gelen jeno “Nijer chaagol nijei shaamlao.”

Maa amar dikey boro boro chokh kore taakalo. Kaaron mukhey jaai boluk, bondhuputro/konyader biyetey kheye maa er khub ichhey joto taratari shombhob amar maathaay topor poratey. Idaaning out-of-context eshey jiggesh kore je aamar kaaukey pochhondo kina. Bhaai ke hotaath ekdin jiggesh korchhey je Shaadi.com ey paid subscription ki kore ney? Ei shomosto dekhey aami ektu ghaabrey gechhi. Kaaron amar je mon kerechhey taakey aami shudhu TV tei dekhechhi. Ekti sleek and sexy Nissan Sunny. Ekebaarey first love er moto baypaar. Shudhui mone hochhey kobe kinbo. Biye tiye chuloye jaak! Sheshey Sunny tey chorey chhatro thengaatey jaabo. Uff ki keth mairi!!

Asholey motlobtaa onno. Aami to chirokaali maydamarka. Meyeder shaathey aaroshto hoye thaaki. Shundori meye dekhley to kotha bolaai durbishoho hoye othey. Ektu dakabuko naa hole to aar naari chitto joy koraa jay na. Shahosh kore emon kaaj kore phelbey je bhaablei rokto heem hoye jay, tobei na chheley!! Temon dakabuko kaaj kosmin kaaleo korini. Taai target holo shundori meyer baba. Jhokjhokey gaari dekhiye shundori meyer babakey impress koraar cheshta. Jaar jemon moorod. Adonis ki Casanova hole aaj meyeder line legey jeto. Ekhaaney to goraatei golod hoye boshey aachhey. Eke kaaktaaruar moto chehara. Taar opor petey kheedeey mukhey laaj. Bokaa Bodmash!! Shudhu edik odik teriye phichik phichik taakano aar mookhey boro boro gyaaner kotha. Ekjon abar naam diyeche “Bibekaanondo”. Banger matha. Ghorar deem. Bibekaanondo? Naa Ghutghutanondo? Michkey shoitaan ke cheneni to!!

Shorboshaakulley jei meyederkey amar mone dhorechey taara je keu amar jonno osrumochon korbey naa shetaa bhaalo korei jana hoye gechhey. Taai biyer bajarey nijer “standard” tuley dhortey ei ekghor aayojon.

Meyer jokhon boyosh baarey, baba maar chintaa baarey. Golir mukhey 2-3 jon jubokder bike niye gorom kaaley dupurbelaa roddoor pohaatey dekha jay. Meye late night kore baari pherey. Women empowerment er joogey jaama bodoler moto chhele bodol hoye. Meyer maa ekdin meyer vanity bag ghat tey giye birth control pill baar kore aaney. Oto ebo meyer biye daao. Onek master-degree- chaakri hoyechhey. Jodi chheley theek koraa thaakey to bhaaloi naaholey meyer baba torighori korey nijeder standard onujaai paatrer khonj nen. Temni jokhon chaakri koraa cheley biye baaritey babar bondhu-konyar pechhoney pheu er moto ghurey beraay, chaan ghorey gaan korey, tokhon bujhtey hobey je hulo beraal meni beraal key khujey beraachhey. Ekti partner jogaar kore daao chhelekey. Meyer baba ebong chheler baba legey porben aayojoney. Bhaagyo taahkle raaghob boaal naaholey chunoputi dhoraa debey.

Chheley IAS/IPS holey to kothaai nei. Rokom shokomi alada, Bohoot tel!! Temon chheler abar poromaa shundori, uchhoshikkhitaa ebong buddhidipta stree chaai. IAS shaamir haathey haath goliye Governer er dinner party tey jaabey abar raatri bela “My love!!” boley golaa dhorey jhuley porbey.

Boley je bhaagyobaan er bojha bhogobaan ey boy.Erokom deba-debi hole shoyong mohaadeb shorgo puritey aartonaad kore uthben- “Chherey de maa kendey baachi!!”…

4.  Doley Dodul Doley Jhulonaa,

                          Krishner baandramir kotha bolo na…

Television er shongey deergho deen amar shomporko bichhinno chhilo. Ghorey micro processor jukto idiot box aashar porey picture tube jukto idiot box ke porityayg korechilam. Shey ek extra marital affair er moto baypaar. Television er roopey bou patta paachhey na kaaron aami computer debir shaathey chaandir chaakti chhoorchhi. Bola baahullo, ekdin shei maya ketey gelo.Tokhon abar bou er shoronaponno-

“Mor mathay porechhilo chheet, Kichu mone korona sweet!!”

Ek haathey potato chips er shubrihoth packet, onno haatey remote niye couch potator bhumikaa nilaam. Phurphurey mone channel surf korchhi. Hindi serial, bangla serial, hindi cinema, bangla cinema, ingreji cinema, sports channel, news channel ebong music channel shob shaari shaari kore shajano. Target holo je shob surf kore ekta ingreji cinema aadi thekey onto upobhog korbo. Kintu target fulfill holo na. Kaaron ek hindi music channel ey Anarkali disco tey jawar aayojon niyechhen.

Dekhei chomotkrito holaam. Remote gelo table er opor, haath gelo chips er packet er bhetor aar chokh shetey gelo TV screeney. Kopaath kopaath kore maagur maach dhorar moto chips dhorey mukhey poorchhi aar Anarkalir komor duliye disco jawar shobhaa jaatra dekhchhi. Ekdol gurutor maangshopeshi jukto chayngraa chhele Anarkalir pechhoney teereeng beering kortey kortey cholechhey. Dilip Kumar shaheb nishchoi chokher jol phelchhen. Jei Anarkalikey teeni Mughal-e-Azam ey baaper ichher birudhhye prem nibedon korechhilen taar 21^st century edition ek dol chhagol chelekey layjey khelaachhey!! Sreemoyee Anarkalir dehobhongima dorshoner por remote er botaam tipey kromoshho neechey naamchhi.

 Ekta Hindi cinema channel ey hero kokhono borofey dhaaka paharer churaa thekey, kokhono disco tey nechey nechey shundorider shotorko kore dichhey- “Bachna Ae Haseeno, Lo Main Aa Gaya!” Kintu ei kolir krishner leelaay montromugdho hoye teen gopika shaabdhan baani shunchhen naa. Onek haynchor paynchor er por chhobir sheshey anticlimax!! Don Juan hero teen gopikaar paaye lutoputi khaachhey aar bolchhey “Mujhe Maaf Kar Do”.

Dole dodul dole Jhulonaa

Krishner bandraamir kotha bola naa…

Orey kaar shongey kaar tulonaa!! Dwapar jooger srikrishno jekhaaney raas leela korechhilen shekhaaney onno dikey Gitar upodesh diye shorgo, mortyo, pataal kupokaath kore diyechhilen. Ei kolir krishner to dekhi kencheygoondoosh obostha!!

Jaak gey porer dhaap egolaam. Ek jonopriyo bangla channel ey Rituparnar chhobi hochhey. Orokkhoniya meye Rituparnakey shoth maa aar baba maajh raatey jhetiye ghor theke bidaay diyechhey. Koi na raatri belaata oothoner gaach tolaay kono motey kaatiye deben, naa naa naa, uni chollen ondhokaar raasta dhorey brohmaander rohoshho unmochon kortey. Background ey oti korun shorey baaddyojontro bejei cholechhey. Eibaarey shuru hobey bangla cinemar shei patent koraa scene jeta Censor Board er kormokortaader challenge janabey.

Rituparna ondhokaar nirjon raasta diye haatchen. Iti modhhye chhaat kholaa ektaa doittyakaar jeep ey gotaa paanch neshagrosto goonda pechhoney po-po horn bajachhey. Oshleel bhaabey jeebh diye thont chaat chhey. Main villain holo jeep er driver. Taar dui shaagred gaari thekey jhaapiye nemey elo raastay. Taarpor chaar haathey jaaptey dhorlo Rituparnakey. Ordhek saree rastay goragori khaachey. Konomotey haath chhariye moriya hoye Rituparna chhutlen. Dui joggyo wannabe rapist taar poshchaatey dour diyechhey. Chhuto chhutir bohor  dekhey mone holo Olympics ey shohojei teen joney naam lekhatey paarey. Nirghaat medal tally tey desh aaro oporey thaakbey. Besh kichhukkhon lompho jhompo koraar por dui hobu rapist Rituparna debikey chayngdolaa kore gaaritey niye eshechhey. Ebaar bedom begey jeep cholchhey, villain der ottohasshi aar heroine er bostrohoron porbo shuru holo. Censor rule er shesh limit obdi shorirer ongsho unmukto koraar shongey shongey hero (amader shroddheyo Bumbaa da) bike niye rasta rookhey daaralen. Duddar maar peet dekhaar aagei aami praan baachiye channel paltalam- choley gelaam shei ingreji channel ey jetaa dekhaar porikolpona shobaar aagey korechhilam.

Ekhon biroti cholchhey. Ekta bodyspray commercial. Cheley bishaal aaynaar shaamney haath ghuriye deo maakhchhey aar taar shubaashey bon baadaar thekey shaaontaali meye komore baagh chhaal pore terey aaschhey. Ghraan shokti eto probol je bomb squad ey training dewaa sniffer dogs raa nijer chaakri harabey!! Bigyaapon er por cinema jokhon shuru holo aami hotaash hoye porlaam. Silence of the Lambs ordhek shesh hoye gechhey. Anthony Hopkins er sheraa Oscar winning performance aar dekha holo na!!

TV khuley eta dekhi ki otaa dekhi kortey kortey konotaai aar aattyoshaath kora gelo naa. Switch off korey paash phirey ek chot beauty sleep diye dewaai utkrishto mone korlaam…